The Cleanse: Day Two

It’s day two of the cleanse. I have learned quickly that there is not coffee, or wine in my future, so there really is no reason to get out of bed. My dogs disagree, however, so they still start pestering me at 6am. “Get the hell up, lady, and give us a treat! You may be starving yourself, but it doesn’t mean the rest of us have to go along with it!” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m up.

The dogs get their treat, I get my 8oz. We’re all happy. Well, those of us with four legs are happy.

Off I go to my favorite most used room of the house since starting the cleanse, the bathroom, because yes, I have to pee, again. I decide since I’m in there, I may as well step on the scale to see what a day of starvation cleansing will do for a body. Wow. Down four pounds. I realize it is just water weight, after all, I did drink 3 liters of water yesterday, but four pounds is four pounds. I will take it. Now I’m super motivated to have  a shake for breakfast! Not really, but I’m already 24 hours in, I’m not quitting.

The deliciousness (gag) that is fiber… Looks yummy, right?

I make my shake, just throwing the blueberries in the mix. I’ve given up on finding joy in chewing. Unless I can have a cheeseburger. Than I’ll retrieve the joy from the trunk of my car where I’ve locked it up. That’s the beauty about being a control freak. We just turn things that suck around in our minds. I have CHOSEN to lock that crap up in the trunk. Who needs to be excited to eat? My husband shows me a box of cereal. ‘You should try this, when you can eat again.’ Like dangling a mouse in front of a cat. I pretend it’s a box of cardboard. Who likes cardboard anyway?

Since I have to work, I spend the next 20 minutes making my lunch and snack, and getting my shakes together for the day. I have to go to work with it all prepared, otherwise I might order a pizza. ‘That’s a lot of work,’ my husband says. He’s right. I’ve just burned my breakfast calories chopping up a half of a pepper and a half of an apple.

At work, I drink my liters of water, have my fiber, (I didn’t gag this time, but I changed my strategy. No stopping to breath!) and eat my meager food provisions. I’m doing okay, but Skyler is starting to have a melt down. She is an angry, hungry person. Do not talk to her about vegetables. She wants meat. Yikes. I’m staying out of her way.

My day at work gets finished and I head home to enjoy my dinner. Skyler has gone off the rails. My husband and kids make an exit and head to Taco Bell for a Nacho Bell Grande. I make another salad and shake. I add mint to this one, hoping I will think it’s ice cream. I don’t. I decide to just give up, and go to bed without even considering the vegetable broth. I mean really, it’s just flavored water and Lord knows, I’ve had enough water for one day!

I Am Going to Be Starving

If my posts get crazy over the course of the next three days, it’s because I’m calorie deficient and my body is eating itself.

I’ve been Cleanse-Curious for a few years now. Ever since learning from Robb Wolf about food and how it impacts the body, I have wanted to try a cleanse, but I have always been too scared. If you Google ‘cleanse’, you’ll come up will all kinds of different options, from juice cleanses, broth cleanses and dandelion tea cleanses, the options are really limitless. All tout toxin elimination, weight loss, more energy, decrease in bloating and improved digestion. However, when you tell me I have to give up coffee and wine for the duration of the cleanse, well, I’d rather just have a colonic. Side note: Colonics can expel parasites. File that one away for my tapeworm idea that I still have to tell you about.

Of course the thought of not eating anything delicious for days doesn’t really appeal to me either, but that is really secondary to the coffee and wine issue.

Well, upon doing some serious research on Facebook, everyone’s source of scientifically factual information, I saw that a friend had posted some info about a cleanse. I asked her for more info and then talked a friend into suffering cleansing with me. Then Skyler said she wanted to do it. Then my niece, who just came back from Watershed (the festival, not the rehab center, although I find it ironic that they share a name since one discourages, and the other encourages alcohol consumption), said she needed to detox. I created a band wagon and people are just jumping on. Misery loves company, ya know?

So tomorrow begins the three day adventure, and my stomach is growling just thinking about it. I’m going to have a high calorie, high carb “Last Supper” to help prepare. I’m also thinking about paying for some hypnotherapy so that I can ‘forget’ what food even is.

I’ve read people’s blog posts about cleanses that they’ve done and I have to tell you, I think people are big liars. “I never felt hungry” and “I had so much energy” are common repeated phrases. I cannot, for the life of me, believe these statements to be true. I am, however, expecting the best and preparing for the worst. I expect to be starving and lethargic. I plan on complaining, loudly. I will be telling you the truth about the whole thing though, not sugar coating the experience, so that you are tricked into thinking you should do it too.

I can be bluntly honest.  Ask my kids. And stay tuned, or jump on the bandwagon. In the mean time, here’s a picture of my Last Supper.