The Cleanse: Day One

Day One of my cleanse. I woke up early, like usual, today and was getting out of bed when I remembered that I couldn’t have coffee this morning. I decided I may as well sleep longer. I mean, if I’m going to say that coffee gets me out of bed in the morning, I very well can’t just jump up at the crack of dawn without it, right? Besides, I’m going to need energy to starve. I need to start conserving right away.

After another hour of sleep, I get up and weigh myself. Have I lost any weight yet? Actually, I had! I lost 1.8 lbs overnight! Hm. Maybe it wasn’t a fair start to weigh myself after eating a monster burrito, a margarita and two glasses of wine? I might need to use this new number as my baseline. Contemplating this thought, I head off to find breakfast. I start with the required 8oz of water. Yum. Almost as good as coffee, if I had never tasted coffee before. The second course of my morning meal is a shake and fruit. I can have them separately or mix them together. I decide that I might miss chewing to much if I blend them together, so I make my shake, put 12 little strawberries in a bowl and then sit down to enjoy my meal. The shake isn’t horrible. It’s vanilla and I added some cinnamon to it, so I could imagine I was eating a cinnamon roll. The strawberries took a long time to eat.  I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten 12 strawberries in one sitting before.

An hour after I ate breakfast, I got to have a cup of green tea. I actually like green tea, so I was excited about this. Would I have preferred coffee? You bet I would have. But I was not turning down the green tea caffeine.

An hour after drinking the green tea, it was time to take the some fiber. Fiber in a plastic container has never been a part of my household. When I see the commercials for Metamucil, I always think, that’s for old people that can’t ‘go’. I eat my fiber in my veggies, thank you very much, and I have no problem ‘going’. But, I guess when you are trying to starve cleanse, you aren’t eating much in the way of vegetables, so you need fiber. Well, if I can straight shot vodka, I can get this down! I am slightly less confident upon mixing up the fiber into the water, but, I’m determined, so down it goes. Well, half of it, anyway. I stop to catch my breath, which is a mistake because then you can feel the gritty texture in your mouth and you have to try to convince yourself to finish. I keep swirling it around in my glass, trying to mix it better, and it keeps getting thicker and thicker. I’m trying not to think of what the texture reminds me of because I have a texture issue.

When I was four, my dad gave me some tapioca pudding. I ate it down like it was nobody’s business, I mean it’s like vanilla pudding with bubbles.  When I was finished, my dad, being the ‘I-think-I’m-so-funny kind of guy that he is, told me that the little lumps in the pudding were frog eyes. I had just eaten frog eyes. Suddenly, I wasn’t feeling so good, and then I paid him back. I threw up the pudding, frog eyes and all. Take that. Of course, from that point on, anything that could even possibly be frog eyes, does not make it past my lips. No cottage cheese, no tapioca pudding. Ever. I’ve never tried it again. Well, the fiber was turning gelatinous and was starting to make me think about frog eyes. At the end of my glass, I actually dry heaved into the sink. It was not delicious. Don’t believe anyone who says differently. You might be able to get used to it, but you don’t need to get used to something delicious.

Then it was time to hit the road to drive back to Portland. When you are drinking a liter of water before noon, it is not a great idea to take a road trip. Unless you plan on stopping 15 miles down the road, which we did. We stopped just about once every hour on the six hour drive. Ridiculous.

Forty-five minutes before we could eat lunch, we were starving. Like, stomach growling starving. We sucked it up and waited, but no one was happy about it. Lunch was another shake, this one with no ice, since we were on the road, and a half of a red pepper with 2 tablespoons of avocado and half of an apple. Bon appetit. Seriously. Lizzie sat in the back seat eating the Lunchable that she had bought while we were buying fiber. If we don’t get to eat, we were certainly not going to sit in a car with someone who is eating something that smelled good. She likes Lunchables anyway, and I never let her buy them because they are gross. Now, the crunching of the crackers coming from the back seat sounds amazing. She better hurry and scarf those things down before I climb over the seat.

By about 2pm, I’m starting to get hungry again, but I’m doing the math. If I eat my snack now, it’ll be another four hours or so before I can eat dinner. I decide, sadly, that I will have to wait another hour to eat my five baby carrots. Instead, I drink another 8oz of water.

We pulled into The Dalles  at 3pm. I realized that I hadn’t packed enough mashed avocado for both lunch AND snack. I had an uncut avocado, but no knife. So I found a Fred Meyer and ran in and bought a package of the 4-single serve guacamole. This is NOT exactly what we are supposed to be eating. There are things in this guacamole that are delicious off limits, I’m sure of it. But my other option is to buy a knife, a fork, a spoon and a bowl so that I can cut, scoop and mash the avocado that I have. That is going to burn more calories than I ate at lunch, so it’s not going to happen. At this point, it was sounding really good to just say ‘screw it!’ and go through the drive through, but we are only on day one. I am NOT quitting. Yet. We peel open our guac and enjoyed the hell out of those forbidden ingredients. I cannot stress to you enough, the amount of willpower it took to eat just 3/4 of the container, but we did it, letting perfectly good guacamole go to waste. There are starving people in the world. Ya know?

We made it home, unloaded the car, and then had dinner, which was a spinach salad with cucumber, tomato and red pepper on it. Oh, and sprouts. I’m sure they added a butt-ton of calories. The dressing was lemon juice and a bit of olive oil. Don’t forget the shake. I had another one of those too. After eating, I was still hungry, and feeling sad about life in general. And then I remembered that with our dinner, we could have 8oz of vegetable broth if we wanted. OMG. This changes everything!

I poured my broth in a coffee mug and added a bunch of fresh basil to it and heated it up and it was SO amazing. Like, really, I almost cried. It was that good. I decided that it was my favorite part of the day.

So, day one ended with 3 liters of water consumed plus about 900 calories in the form of shakes and raw fruits and veggies and a tad bit of fat. I didn’t die. I did feel hungry. I did pee. A lot.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings!

Here’s a sampling of what we’re eating:







Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s