Russian Roulette

While the world is falling apart, we are busy making felons famous. God Bless America. Maybe instead of giving inmates free cable TV and free education, we should just pimp them out to all the fashion magazines. After all, we do want them making an honest living, right? I’m pretty sure we’d save money. We’d just need a good gym, which most prisons already have and a tanning bed or spray tanning booth. Oh, and a runway. We must build runways in all prisons so that we can teach these guys how to Zoolander themselves into a REAL career. We would save money on food cost, rumor has it models don’t each much. Seriously. Oh, and BREAKING NEWS. The Malaysian plane is still missing, AND they’ve changed the search location again…  Add that to the list of wonders of the world. If they can’t find a plane with 240+ people on board, I guess it’s expecting a bit much from my daughter to find her missing library book. After all, it could be anywhere.

The really important news, though, is that infamous see-through yoga pant maker Lululemon is off the hook in a class action lawsuit brought on by their shareholders. You can’t expect a product (or a whole product line) to be free from defects. Geeze guys. Get real. Haven’t the other company lawsuits taught you anything? The real tragedy in this case, has never even been discussed, so I’ll take a moment to address it here.

Lululemon’s little ‘product defect’ has threatened and created uncertainty for women across the globe. Not because their pants might be see through when you bend over. I mean most of us wear panties and Lord knows, ever since the low rise and the low low rise and the super extra low rise jeans came into fashion, we haven’t been shy about showing off said panties every time we bend over or sit down. It’s not really a ‘you can see our panties’ issue. Here’s the real issue we need to bring a class action about:

Black is supposed to be a safe color.

I know. I brought color into an issue that seemed to be free of obvious color issues, which makes me no better than CNN or FOX News, take away my birthday. But you have to hear me out.

For years, women have flocked to black as the premier color choice of their closet. It doesn’t matter if you are a summer, fall, winter or spring, black will look good on you. It doesn’t matter if you are 20 years old or 80 years old, black will look good on you. It doesn’t matter if you are 110 or 420 pounds, black will make you look like you are at least 2.5 pounds lighter. Every ounce matters. It doesn’t matter what you pair it with, it always matches. It doesn’t matter if you are headed to the gym, the office, or a nightclub, black is always an appropriate color. I am a hairstylist, and like wine and Skittles are a staple in my diet, black is a staple in my closet. Black- it’s not just for funerals anymore.

No other color can say the same thing. White is CERTAINLY not going to be making the same claims. You can wear white if you’re black quotea winter, but if you are a fall, you have to go to a vanilla or champagne or it will just be all wrong for your complexion. An 80 year old in a white dress. It’s not going to work. You won’t lose the magic 2.5 pounds in white, in fact, you’ll probably gain it. That’s why you never see weather forecasters on TV wearing white. You also never see them accurately predicting the weather, but that’s another issue. You’d never do situps in white, go on a lunch appointment in white (ribs anyone?) or go out in a little ‘white’ dress. You know who wears white? Angels wear white. Because they know they won’t get dirty in Heaven. No one that wears white wants to do any real living. Hell, even Nuns wear black and half of them don’t even talk. That should tell you something. Black is was a safe color.

Women already have enough safety issues to deal with. It’s no longer safe to put make-up on when you’re driving. It’s not safe to use your cell phone in the car, it’s not safe to let your kids wander around in the back of the pick up truck while you’re driving to the grocery store. Once you’re at the grocery store, you have to use a cart wipe, because, for GAWD’s sakes, the handle of the cart IS NOT SAFE. You can’t even pee outside of your own home and feel safe. All this besides the small safety issues that running alone in a park at night or walking down a dark back alley bring and it’s just nearly too much to handle. What used to be a safe bet, no longer feels safe anymore. This is where the true uproar should take place. Lululemon has taken what used to be a safe choice and made it into a game of Russian Roulette. Women across the world are staring into their closets, looking at all of their black clothing and saying, it looks safe, and it might be safe, but, then again… maybe I’ll wear grey.

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